Since your abortion, do feel as though no matter what you do, success, freedom and true happiness eludes you?
Do you feel that you are always running from the grief and the pain of your child’s death?
Do you feel that you cannot settle into a secure and productively happy life?
Our blood is made up of many components of varying cells. Is it possible that the cells left behind in your body could be crying out to God, perhaps even crying out to you, its mother? I had recently undergone post abortive counseling for an abortion that I had received in 1973. It was then that I had aborted my sweet baby, Jeremy Michael.
Two years have passed since my counseling and a moment presented itself to me. I suddenly became fearful of something happening to one of my adult subsequent children. I began to pray and I saw things more clearly than I ever had before. I realized that I had failed to bond with my subsequent children as a normal mother would. I loved my three children dearly and became very overly protective of them and at the same time, I distanced myself from them avoiding rejection, abandonment and judgment.
After each of my children were born, I had trouble holding them close to me. I believe it was the fear of loss and the fear of the acknowledgement that I had selfishly murdered my first child through the heartless holocaust known as abortion. My mother had ordered me to never speak of this matter to anyone and I didn’t.
For forty years I harbored this silent secret in my heart and carried it to my own detriment and the detriment of all those whom I loved so dearly. Again, I heard the cries of my three subsequent children. Was it the cells that remained in my body that caused me to hear their cries. Why didn’t you love me more? Why did you make me feel unworthy of touch, hugs, caresses and the genuine wholesome love of a mother? Why did you always make me feel I was on the edge of rejection? Why did I feel that I was never good enough? It was then that I felt the weight of their fear, pain and grief fall upon my heart. There was nothing left for me to do as I wept unceasingly but confess and repent before each of my children. That very day, as I violently wept, I met with my adult children one at a time. As we sat together, I explained to them each one, how much I loved them and how I had blamed their father for the rejection and abandonment that they felt weighing so heavily upon her hearts. Then I opened up and began to detail the guilt of my emotional absence due to my secrets, fears and denials. I confessed my brokenness and my regrets to each of them. A brokenness that (at the time) I feared may never be completely repaired. I remembered that in Luke, I had read that Jesus came to heal the broken hearted and all I needed was a little faith, the size of a mustard seed. I repented that day before God and each one of my children, and with an explanation I asked each one, individually for their forgiveness. This was the day that the Lord had begun the restoration and healing of my family, our relationships and our hearts.
Could it have been more than just my subsequent children crying out to me through the cells that they left in my body? I sometimes wonder if the cells left behind in me from Jeremy Michael wasn’t also crying out to me in protection of his younger brothers and sister. I know that Jeremy Michael has forgiven me for ending his short little life and that God had forgiven me as well. Now it was time for my three subsequent children to forgive me and for me to forgive myself.
May you find healing for your heart and soul.
For questions or more information, please feel free to contact us here at High Desert Pregnancy Clinic.
God bless you through your journey of healing!